phil’s Tagged Quotes

The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet.

It's like trying to beat schpupel champion Fjurg Van Der Ploeg at a game of schpupel.

At any moment, Justin Bieber uses 3% of our infrastructure. Racks of servers are dedicated to him.

Ever notice how the more successful observational comics become, the more their jokes focus on flying and hotels?

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

Come bust a move
Where the games are played
It's chill, it's fresh,
it's Noah's Arcade

And if i get drunk well, I'll pass out
On the floor now baby
You won't bother me no more
And if you're drinkin' well, you know
That you're my friend and I say
I think I'll have myself a beer

Wow, it's like I've died and went to heaven. But then they realized it wasn't my time yet. So they sent me to a brewery.

As they say, "it's all downhill from cupcakes!"

Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Panda Watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off. Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out of here, panda jerk.

I love lamp

I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.

60% of the time, it works every time.

Take me to Pleasure Town.

Ah well, that's easy. Tucker's Law: "If some c**t can f**k something up, that c**t will pick the worst possible time to f*****g f**k it up cause that c**t's a c**t.