paulfedory’s most recent Quotables

My father always said you'd become a man when you bought your first house. I'm not sure what he meant though because he burned ours down during a drunken fight with mom.

How did a production of Rocky Horror turn into my horror?

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."

I don't want to die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets cancelled!

This is not the way the world works! Bosses steal, and employees use it for leverage. So what do you want? Money? A promotion? I can get you into a restaurant where you watch a child play with a bunny, then you eat the bunny!

Now's not the time to discuss this, but I will have to eat your umbilical cord.

Oh man, this is insane! It's like, it's like Frogger but, but with real people.

You'll never win anything with kids.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

It doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York, it's still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant, severed, robot penises.

How's she handling for you? ... The Bentley? Man, these Brits! They'll throw a bottle of piss at you at a soccer game, but those snaggletooths sure know how to make an automobile, huh?

The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine.

We need to teach our kids that it's not just the winner of the Super Bowl who deserves to be celebrated, but the winner of the science fair.

I wear the cheese, it does not wear me.

Capitalism is God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor.

Because I'm committed to my relationship, I never go number two in our house. I have a gym membership solely for that purpose.

For just one night let's not be coworkers. Let's be co-people.

You know what would be truly revolutionary? A series about a family with two parents and a bunch of kids who liked each other, and who spent their time confronting rudeness and laughing in its tired old face.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.