paulfedory’s most recent Quotables

If any of you need anything at all: too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves like adults.

Cancel my subscription, I'm over your issues.

When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.

Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.

And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.

Dress code? Black tie optional. Just like life.

Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman scorned.

I have to go pee due to boredom.

On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.

I got my first job when I was nine. Child labor laws are ruining this country.

What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much? Or not enough?! What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day.

Come with me if you don't want paint on your clothes.

You give me a gift? Bam! Thank You note. You invite me somewhere? Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor? Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.

The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel.

I love showtunes; they really tell the story of the human condition.

Fishing relaxes me; it's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

I spent the night learning arts & crafts from my cellmate Chavo. Did you know you can make an ashtray using only a cigarette and a snitch's forehead?

There is a time and a place for subtlety, and that time was before Scary Movie.

Can we just do this? Hi. Hello, I'm Hector the Well-Endowed. You've got a bunch of pegasi. Let's make a deal.