Jrilagan’s most recent Quotables

These bridges are made from light filtered from the surface. If you press your cheek against one it feels just like the sun shining on your face. It will also set your hair on fire... so don't actually do it.

All these science spheres are made of asbestos by the way, keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping, because that's not part of the test - that's asbestos.

Alright this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So word of advice: if you meet yourself on the testing track don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that'll wipe out time - entirely. Forward and backward. So do both of yourselves a favor and let that handsome devil go about his business.

Beancounter said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheelchair - did it anyway, ramps are expensive.

Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab-boys gave me: [paper rustling] do not get covered in the repulsion gel. We haven't quite worked out what element it is yet, but it's a lively one, and it does not like the human skeleton.

If you need to go the bathroom in this next series of tests, please let test associates know, because in all likelihood whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.

If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you may have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline - that's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible beam that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is it's working.

Alright, we're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it.

In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again, all you've got to do is let us disassemble you; we're not banging rocks together here, we know how to put a man back together. So, that's a complete reassembly, new vitals, spit-shine on the old ones, plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you ought to be paying us.

Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.

I'm in space!

Most test subjects do experience some, uh, cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for quite a lot longer, and its not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage! But, don't be alarmed, alright? Uh, although, do feel alarmed. Try to hold onto that feeling, because that is the proper reaction to being told that you've got brain damage!

You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me, or put me in a potato, or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then YOU showed up, you dangerous, mute, lunatic.

Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.