chesleycalhoun’s most recent Quotables

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.

Normally I don't like sweaty guys, but this one.. I could just mop him up!

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

Parker: I'm sorry if I put a good spin on everything. It's who I am, I'm a positive person.
Phoebe: No, I'm a positive person. You're like Santa Claus... on prozac... in Disney Land... getting laid

Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself!

Ross: I love marriage...
Phoebe: Seriously? You?... Divorce-O?
Ross: If you have to call me a name I'd prefer 'Ross the Divorcer'. It's just cooler.

I put my phone in "airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

The guy at the UPS Store asked me for my street name.....
I told him I didn't have one. I just go by Anthony.

You call it "stalking", I call it "solving a mystery."

OMG i have Alzheimer´s bulimia - i eat all day and forget to make myself throw up at night.....

when life gives you lemons, find someone with a bottle of vodka, throw a party, and for goodness sake invite me!

Dear Karma, thank you for doing my dirty work, I owe you!

i now know I'm getting old... i was watching some porn the other day and thought to myself wow that's a nice bed...

this has definitely been 1 of those days that Hal-mark doesn't make a card for

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night’ ”

don't flatter yourself, I sent a friend request not a marriage proposal

"wine is fine, but whiskey is quicker!'

‎"There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start."

Making love begins from the outside in. Being in love begins from the inside out.