BluePimp’s Loved Quotes

Amy Pond, there's something you better understand about me, 'cause it's important and one day your life may depend on it. I am definitely a madman with a box!

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like a pancake: all exciting at first but by the end, your sick of 'em.

Two-in-one is a bull**** term because one is not big enough to hold two. That is the reason two was created.

My job is to write jokes. I sit in a hotel room and when I think of something funny, I write it down. If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I opened-up a yoghurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yoghurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: "I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green." Woah, hold on now! Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f*ck’s really goin' on down there? Who is the real hero?

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him. He said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older.", "You son of a bitch! How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera!"

I think Bigfoot is blurry; that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here."

I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls, but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "F*ck it, cut em up!"