Stand Up Quotes

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home and there must be more to it than that. want some more home made Sprite? Not till you figure out what else is in it

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home and there must be more to it than that. want some more home made Sprite? Not till you figure out what else is in it

Oh my God! I used to have that exact same t-shirt when I was a man!

And my friend is black,
But I don't know what to call him.
So I just call him
Jamal
Even though his name is Steve...

Now that's a very, very bad idea. You should stay away from your potential. I mean that is something you should leave absolutely alone. You'll mess it up! It's potential, leave it! And anyway, it's like your bank balance, you always have a lot less than you think.

What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "'sup?"

"I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God." And I say no, it's not, Dad. "Well, I believe that it is." Well, you know, some people believe they're Napoleon. That's fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don't share them like they're the truth.

"God put [dinosaur fossils] here to test our faith!" … I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. Does that bother anybody else, the idea that God might be f*cking with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God runnin' around, [pantomimes digging] "We'll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God – I am killing me!"

I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care … but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks … you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a f*cking cross?

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

Not all drugs are good, all right? Some of them … are great. Just gotta know your way around them, is all.

People pay lip service to saving the planet, but they don't – they fail to make the big leap that if you want to save the planet, kill your f*cking self. The planet will be saved without you. And what a delightful place it'll be. Welcome. It's a new thing I'm working on, called "The Comedy of Hate". Join in.

I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.

They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

I've been on the road now doing comedy 12 years, so, uh, bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time. … I'm kinda tired of traveling, kinda tired of doing comedy, kinda tired of staring out at your blank faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourselves.

One time me and three friends dropped acid and drove around in my dad's car. He has one of those talking cars, we're tripping, and the car goes, "The door is ajar." We pulled over and thought about that for 12 hours. "How can a door be a jar?" … "Why would they put a jar on a car?" … "Oh man, the freeway's melting" … "Put it in the jar."

We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out f*cking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some f*cking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house.

Anybody can be a bum; all it takes is the right girl, the right bar and the right friends, and you are well … your buddies will see you off. They'll christen your dumpster for you.