One Liner Quotes

I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.

There's a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.

I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges. Always hated him for that.

We are all dying of miscellany.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis".

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Christmas itself may be called into question, If carried so far it creates indigestion.

Everybody's private motto: It's better to be popular than right.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

He will be looked upon by posterity as a brave bad man.