Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: "I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green." Woah, hold on now! Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f*ck’s really goin' on down there? Who is the real hero?

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him. He said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older.", "You son of a bitch! How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera!"

I think Bigfoot is blurry; that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here."

I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls, but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "F*ck it, cut em up!"

On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means "hold on", yellow means "go ahead", and red means "where the f*ck did you get that banana at?"

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These f*ckin' straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said, "We're going straight to the mouth. That f*cker who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel something Tree". So they had a meeting; it was...it was quite short. "How 'bout Tree?" "No." "Double Tree?" "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!" Well, I had my heart set on Quadruple Tree...and we were almost there!

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.