Humour Quotes

You guys are going to have to find a way to come together or we're going to get our butts kicked from here until Tuesday finds a saddleback full of buckwheat.

Blaine and I love football. Well, Blaine loves football; I love scarves.

I try to make a habit of not touching carnie folk but fella, I’ll take it!

And the glee club together with the football team was like a double rainbow. A zombie double rainbow.

I hate you, Diane Sawyer.

This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’

Wittiest thing I’ve heard? Jim Tavares, when he was doing stand-up at the Comedy Store in 1988, and opened with “I’m a schizophrenic.” Some wag shouted out “why don’t you both f*ck off?”

I remember when the last Harry Potter title came out, I think it was Harry Potter and the Crock of Shit. Or Harry Potter and the Mitten of Wool? Remember that?

I'm sort of my own Mafia, you know, breaking my own knees.

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

This being this kind of a night, this would be a good night to announce my retirement ... but I'm not bloody going to.

Four nominations and four kids. I am damn proud!

I have lost friends, some by death... others through sheer inability to cross the street.

I helped him off the toilet and popped his teeth in.

I think it's great to be funny, but it's better if you can do it without hurting people.

I don't know if an actress can do her best work, until I've slept with her.