Humour Quotes

Theory is when you know something, but it doesn’t work. Practice is when something works, but you don’t know why. Programmers combine theory and practice: Nothing works and they don’t know why.

As a man, I'm not a tall one

"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left."

Shouldn't Captain Crunch be a Colonel By Now?

Full price for gum? That dog won't hunt, monsignor!

He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.

Over the piano was printed a notice: Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.

These bridges are made from light filtered from the surface. If you press your cheek against one it feels just like the sun shining on your face. It will also set your hair on fire... so don't actually do it.

Just a heads up, we're gonna have a super conductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the walls here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do.

All these science spheres are made of asbestos by the way, keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping, because that's not part of the test - that's asbestos.

The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction. I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like projection.

Alright this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So word of advice: if you meet yourself on the testing track don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that'll wipe out time - entirely. Forward and backward. So do both of yourselves a favor and let that handsome devil go about his business.

Beancounter said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheelchair - did it anyway, ramps are expensive.

I'm Cave Johnson, I own the place. That eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline, my assistant. Rest assured she has transfered your honorarium to the charitable organisation of your choice. Isn't that right Caroline? She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard too. Sorry fellas, she's married - to science!

This first test involves something the lab-boys call repulsion gel. You're not part of the control group by the way - you get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint, ha ha ha! All joking aside, that did happen. Broke every bone in his body - tragic. But informative! Or so I'm told.

Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab-boys gave me: [paper rustling] do not get covered in the repulsion gel. We haven't quite worked out what element it is yet, but it's a lively one, and it does not like the human skeleton.

The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I ought to stop making these pre-recorded messages - that gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day!

For this next test we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumours. Now maybe you don't have any tumours. Well don't worry, if you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants we took care of that too.

If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you may have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline - that's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible beam that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is it's working.

If you need to go the bathroom in this next series of tests, please let test associates know, because in all likelihood whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.