Humorous Quotes

If Christ were here now, there is one thing he would not be — a Christian.

What if your 11:11 wish didn't come true because someone made a wish that nobody gets their wish.

"Somedays I wake up grumpy, other days I let him sleep."

River Song: "What in the name of sanity have you got on your head?"
The Eleventh Doctor: "Its a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool."

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

To iterate is human, to recurse divine.

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

"Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions."

In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything.

The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows, your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege.

She looked as if she'd been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say when.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.