Humor Quotes

“If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.”

“I don't want to be a man," said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead."
"Well," said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job.”

Because I am both a glutton and a masochist, my standard complaint, "That was so bad," is always followed by "And there was so little of it!"

Sometimes there are moments when Life actually does have a gun to your head. And the choices really are Laugh....or....Die.

Few people know how to take a walk. The qualifications are endurance, plain clothes, old shoes, an eye for nature, good humor, vast curiosity, good speech, good silence and nothing too much.

Pessimist (n.) One who believes, accurately, that all is for the worst in the worst of all possible worlds; see "realist"

ANTONYMS: Optimist, Dumb-ass

If Christ were here now, there is one thing he would not be — a Christian.

"What do you think I am, made of money?"
"Isn't that what MOM stands for?"

"Ever had a flying burrito hit you? Well, it's a deadly projectile, right up there with cannonballs and grenades."

“Jesus!" Luke exclaimed.
"Actually, it's just me," said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling.”

“He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.”

"Have you fallen in love with the wrong person yet?"
Jace said, "Unfortunately, Lady of the Haven, my one true love remains myself."
..."At least," she said, "you don't have to worry about rejection, Jace Wayland."
"Not necessarily. I turn myself down occasionally, just to keep it interesting."

"You know, you shouldn’t be bothered with stuff while you’re training.”
“Stuff like people trying to kill me?” I’d put a banana on my tray, too. That, at least, didn’t remind me of anything trying to kill me. Could you kill someone with a banana? It didn’t seem possible. Maybe a possessed banana. I’d seen possessed pets before, but not possessed fruit. But I’ll bet it’s out there somewhere.

Myrnin (vampire): “Did you know you can find almost anything on the new computer network, the Interweb? I was quite amazed”
Myrnin hadn't paid much attention in the last hundred years or so. Claire wasn't too surprised he'd discovered the Internet, though. Wait until he finds the porn. That would be a very uncomfortable conversation"

Myrnin (vampire)" 'Did you know you can find almost anything on the new computer network, the Interweb? I was quite amazed'
Myrnin hadn't paid much attention in the last hundred years or so. Claire wasn't too surprised he'd discovered the Internet, though. Wait until he finds the porn. That would be a very uncomfortable conversation"

“Jace, you already behave as if you’ve never heard the word ‘fear’. I fail to see how we’re going to be able to tell the difference if it does work on you.”
Alec stifled what sounded like a laugh. Jace simply smiled a tight, unfriendly simile. “I’ve heard the word ‘fear,’ ” he said. “I simply choose to believe it doesn’t apply to me.”
“Exactly the problem,” said Luke.

“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.”

(Using a blow dryer on his crotch)
Girl: What are you doing?
Guy: I'm heating up your dinner.

Half of the Dietary aisle at Walgreens has words like "Chocolate" and "Milkshake" in it. Returning customers go back there every week and wonder why its not working. Call me old-fashioned but something tells me that if your trying to lose weight you should be avoiding chocolate. Crazy idea though I know.

I'm more concerned about the return OF my money than ON my money