Golden Globes Quotes

If you ever start to feel too good about yourself, they have this thing called the internet. And you can find A LOT of people who don’t like you. I’d like to address some of them now. Babsnlacross, you can suck it. Dianefan, you can suck it. Cougarletter, you can really suck it. ‘Cause all year, you’ve been after me. All year.

He was a jobbing actor, career not going that well if I’m being perfectly honest, who got his big break when I cast him in a show called The Office. He is now leaving that show, and killing a cash cow for both of us. Please welcome the wonderful Tina Fey, and the ungrateful Steve Carell!

I helped him off the toilet and popped his teeth in.

I think it's great to be funny, but it's better if you can do it without hurting people.

I don't know if an actress can do her best work, until I've slept with her.

The important thing, we are all in this together. The film-makers who make the movies and the Hollywood Foreign Press Association members who in turn pose for pictures with the movie stars.

The greatest thrill is I get these 14-year-old kids coming up to me vibrating out of their bodies saying how happy Glee makes them.

There's gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation.

Talking of the walking dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who is getting married at age 84 to 24-year-old beauty Crystal Harris. When asked why she was marrying him, she said, "He lied about his age. I thought he was 94." Calm down. Just don't look at it when you touch it.

I got paid to smoke and drink and have sex in this movie … I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates. I just saw Godiva chocolate. I've never seen so many Godiva chocolates. And Halle Berry.

Look Mama, I got a Golden Globe!

It seems like everything this year was 3-dimensional… except the characters in The Tourist. I feel bad about that joke, and I'll tell you why - I'm jumping on the bandwagon, because I haven't even seen The Tourist. Who has?

There were a lot of big films that didn't get nominated this year. Nothing for Sex and the City 2. No, I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster. Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza.

Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson.

Please welcome Ashton Kutcher's dad, Bruce Willis!

It's going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it – breakfast.

You’re a much bigger star than me. You present a show that gets 30 million viewers. I’m on a cable channel.