Funny Quotes

I see these fat and stupid people holding their hands as they walk down the fried food section of Walmart. Life's unfair, how come these ignorant and superficial people get to find love while we fight this magnetic force that draws us together, just because at one time I was one of those ignorant and superficial people.

(Using a blow dryer on his crotch)
Girl: What are you doing?
Guy: I'm heating up your dinner.

Half of the Dietary aisle at Walgreens has words like "Chocolate" and "Milkshake" in it. Returning customers go back there every week and wonder why its not working. Call me old-fashioned but something tells me that if your trying to lose weight you should be avoiding chocolate. Crazy idea though I know.

What if your 11:11 wish didn't come true because someone made a wish that nobody gets their wish.

“I am George Bodenheimer,” he said to Jobs. “I run ESPN.” Jobs just looked at him and said nothing other than “Your phone is the dumbest f**king idea I have ever heard,” then turned and walked away.

Just stay where you are, and don't do *anything* revenge-y until I get there, you got it?

If my husband was my son's age, my son wouldn't be allowed to play with him!

I kind of never will understand why Simon [Cowell] decided to make Piers Morgan famous, and now we're all suffering as a result.

Those who don't want to contribute are the first to interfere.

It's *only* a dream wedding? Thank God! I did *not* want to attend.

If this were Comic-Con, I would take a bullet for that kid. But here in the real world, trespassing is a crime.

If only lenders and underwriters would try and buy a house for themselves--maybe things would run a bit more smoothly.

They say you know you're in love, when you go to bed they're the last person you think about it. And when you wake up in the morning, they're the first person you think about. So it official I'm in love...with myself!

When relationships end, people always want to know why? Why doesn't matter! I had a girl break up with me, I said okay, and went for the door. She asked, don't you want to know why? I answered, when someone gets paroled from prison, he doesn't stick around to find out why... he just runs for the gate!

Indecision is your decision

Who cares about apathy.

I am not going to give you my opinion of that jerk.

I will not give you my opinion of that asshole.

If you're not strange, you're not weird. If you're not weird, you're not funny. if you're not funny, you're boring.

And who wants to be boring?

Getting Old. Well what can I say. What was it I said?