Funny Quotes

Just stay where you are, and don't do *anything* revenge-y until I get there, you got it?

If my husband was my son's age, my son wouldn't be allowed to play with him!

I kind of never will understand why Simon [Cowell] decided to make Piers Morgan famous, and now we're all suffering as a result.

Those who don't want to contribute are the first to interfere.

It's *only* a dream wedding? Thank God! I did *not* want to attend.

If this were Comic-Con, I would take a bullet for that kid. But here in the real world, trespassing is a crime.

If only lenders and underwriters would try and buy a house for themselves--maybe things would run a bit more smoothly.

They say you know you're in love, when you go to bed they're the last person you think about it. And when you wake up in the morning, they're the first person you think about. So it official I'm in love...with myself!

When relationships end, people always want to know why? Why doesn't matter! I had a girl break up with me, I said okay, and went for the door. She asked, don't you want to know why? I answered, when someone gets paroled from prison, he doesn't stick around to find out why... he just runs for the gate!

Indecision is your decision

Who cares about apathy.

I am not going to give you my opinion of that jerk.

I will not give you my opinion of that asshole.

If you're not strange, you're not weird. If you're not weird, you're not funny. if you're not funny, you're boring.

And who wants to be boring?

Getting Old. Well what can I say. What was it I said?

Birthdays are the advancement of your vintage--which of course has no correlation to advancement of aging, wisdom, foreheads, bald spots, maturity, wrinkles, belt loops, denials--well maybe denials.

Drink a glass of water at a restaurant; face gets surprise attack from ice ninjas.

Drink a glass of water at a restaurant; face gets surprise attack from ice ninjas.

You can't fix stupid

I'm f***ing Irish, I'll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life.