Comedy Quotes

When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.

I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.

You know what I like about George Bush? He makes me feel like I could be president, too. No, he does. He's like the first guy, like, from my reading level, you know -- the first guy, like, from my math class to finally go out and do something!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

FAO people who do Poi. Everybody hates you. Put the tennis balls down, and then please set them on fire. And not because you’re going to pick them back up and start doing poi again, but on fire.

Remember years ago when they were making Braveheart? Everyone was saying, "Oh, its ridiculous; Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy? That's not going to be very convincing"

But take a look at him now: an alcoholic Racist.

I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro.

As my old pappy used to say, a man does what he has to do - if he can't get out of it.

In the end, everything is a gag.

For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.

I think that novels that leave out technology misrepresent life as badly as Victorians misrepresented life by leaving out sex.

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

Easy, guys.. I put my pants on just like the rest of you -- one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records.

Sometimes laughter is the only weapon we have.

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people they're silly and irritating.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.