Comedy Quotes

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.

I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I opened-up a yoghurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yoghurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

The 2012 London Olympics were supposed to restore British National pride.

£20 billion to restore British National pride?

For £20 billion, we could have written 'F*CK OFF GERMANY' on the moon.

If you open your mind too much, your brains will fall out.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

When I wear t-shirts I can only wear v-necks because my neck is very fragile. I cannot wear regular neck shirts, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Like, wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled - by a really weak guy - all damn day. If you wear a turtle neck and a backpack, its like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I always wanted to be a web designer, or as we called them back then, a spider.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the f*ck?" and I will pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

Whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story.

Whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story.

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.