Comedy Quotes

"Pearl Harbor sucked, and I miss you."

Half of the Dietary aisle at Walgreens has words like "Chocolate" and "Milkshake" in it. Returning customers go back there every week and wonder why its not working. Call me old-fashioned but something tells me that if your trying to lose weight you should be avoiding chocolate. Crazy idea though I know.

Cheaters need to be punished! It’s the only way they’ll learn. It’s like when your puppy goes potty on your carpet, you rub their nose in it. So if someone cheats on you, you need to rub their nose in…wait...THAT'S what got them into trouble in the first place!

They say you know you're in love, when you go to bed they're the last person you think about it. And when you wake up in the morning, they're the first person you think about. So it official I'm in love...with myself!

When relationships end, people always want to know why? Why doesn't matter! I had a girl break up with me, I said okay, and went for the door. She asked, don't you want to know why? I answered, when someone gets paroled from prison, he doesn't stick around to find out why... he just runs for the gate!

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those who feel.

Well we can’t stand around here doing nothing, people will think we’re workmen.

Well we can’t stand around here doing nothing, people will think we’re workmen.

I know older men in comedy who can barely feed and clean themselves, and they still work. The women, though, they’re all ‘crazy.’ I have a suspicion — and hear me out, because this is a rough one — that the definition of ‘crazy’ in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to f*ck her anymore.

I, uh, I think what she means is, she doesn't give a crappuccino

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

Geeza punna burra furra murra.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. The I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

She's turned the weans against me...

Zarra marra oanra barra Clarra?

Jeff: I'm sorry Annie. I'm not the worker-bee type. I'm more of a silver back gorilla with the claws of a lion, the teeth of a shark and the quiet dignity of a tortoise.

For GCTV this is Abed Nadir saying: Did you know you can make napalm out of common dish soap and cat food?

*swoon* *dribble* *froth* At MIT being shown the future. Robotics, VR, so many toys, so little time xxx

O, how this spring of love resembleth The uncertain glory of an April day!