The Simpsons Quotes

Marge: Oh, Homey, if you feel so bad about yourself, there's always things you can do to feel better.
Homer: Take another bath in malt liquor?
Marge: There's that... or you could take an adult education course.

What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!

'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?

If at first you don't succeed, give up.

I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

Smithers: So, Mr. Burns can now do all his work for himself, but I will wager you dollars to donuts he can't handle a call from his mother!
Homer: Mister Burns' mother is still alive?
Smithers: They haven't spoken in 50 years. He never forgave her for that affair with President Taft!
Homer: Taft, you old dog!

Barney: My name's Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?

Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!

See? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference: once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings.

I bent my Wookie.

That's it, no more autographs. I gotta go. They're naming a new sandwich after me at my restaurant.

Krusty: Every time you watch my show, I'll send you $40! [holds up check]
Voice-over: Checks will not be honored.

People, people, let's not blame each other. We all know this is Milhouse's fault.

Attention: all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

Bart: You make me sick, Homer! You're the one who told me I could be the best at anything if I just put my mind to it!
Homer: Well, now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's a crock! No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.

This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day until Irish people showed up.

Mom, I'm going to give you life the way I imagine you gave me life...by pressing Alt+F5 repeatedly.

Lisa: I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history — the journey of the Mayflower.
Sea Captain: Aw, yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Lisa: Not prostitutes, Protestants.
Sea Captain: Now who's being naive?

This isn't a skirt! It's a kilt! And I'm not a girl!