Peep Show Quotes

You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA, but you've also got a f*cking van. You're not just a man anymore - you are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.

I'd like to buy an FDR doll please. Uh, it's for my son, he's a big fan of the New Deal.

The absolute worst thing anyone could say about you is that you were a selfish, moral blank, whose lazy cynicism and sneering, ironic take on the world encapsulates everything wrong with a generation. But you my friend are not evil.

Mark: Only downside is no Dobby. If it peaks before Dobby gets here, I've wasted good party.
Jez: Maybe call her? Give her some flavour.
Mark: What, like start a message and then say "Stop it Julio. Get your own cocaine, I've got too much tit in my mouth."?
Jez: Exactly!

It'd be like picking off bystanders with a sniper rifle: fun at first, but it would quickly become a depressing chore.

That's the single nicest thing Jez has every done for me and it's completely ruined my life.

You haven't drunk all the difficult conversation wine, have you?

I'm becoming the Fuhrer - the Fuhrer of Laughs!

Sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver. You can't really ask for it back

That's cheating! Anyone can pleasure a woman if they tell you what to do. The point is; you're not allowed to ask.

I'm just another reject slowly slipping out of the gene pool to get hoovered up by the sex industry.

If she wants a PR War, then she can have a PR War... I'll Mandelson her! Nobody wanted New Labour, Jeremy, but now we all know how it works.

So unhappy. I wonder if anyone has ever been this unhappy while drinking champagne.

Priest: ...Before God Almighty who knows all the secrets of our hearts...
Mark: [Thinking]He's ladelling it on now. Is that in the proper thing or has he just added that to needle me?

If I don't think about it, there's always a chance it didn't happen.

You're disgusting. But I like it. Like going to a strip club with the Pope.

Jez: Mark, are you having some sort of mental breakdown?
Mark: I'm just joining the gym. Get some exercise, and some time... not away from Sophie, just... without her.
Jez: .....
Mark: You should join too. You get a free pen!

God! I only asked her to be a hooker. It's not like I wanted her to work in telesales.

Well... I did see him throw a petrol bomb but I thought it might just have been a joke.

Why won't that stupid bitch let me propose to her?