Father Ted Quotes

Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'

Delivery man "I have this medical condition, it's pretty serious but quite rare. If I drink tea, there's a 70% chance I'll die!"

Mrs Doyle "Well, I'll make you a cup anyway, in case you change your mind"

I'm Eoin McLove. I could have you killed.

Ted! Ted! Clint Eastwood's been arrested for a crime he didn't - oh, wait, no it's a film!

Don't call me Len, you little prick, I'm a Bishop.

Mrs Doyle: "And what about you father. What do you say to a cup?"
Father Jack: "FECK OFF CUP!"

That would be an ecumenical matter!

These are small, the ones over there are far away

Ted: Would you look at that. Its as smooth as a baby's bottom.
Dougal: You'd know all about that Ted.
Ted: WHAT?
Dougal: The christenings and all that.

Ach no; not toilet duck again, now father you know what that does to you; you'll be seeing the pink elephants again......................... ...........He must be getting immune to it by now

No Dougal, its much more important than that; I'm not going to be beating by Father Dick Burn in a giving things up competition

I'm so, so, sorry

I suppose It's better than your last guess Dougal... Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed.....

Mrs Doyle: Ach go on you won't have one? It's got cocaine in it.
Ted: What!?
Mrs Doyle: Oh no no no, not cocaine. What's the word? Raisins.

Father Ted : It's a rush. I feel fearless. Like Jeff Bridges In that movie.
Father Dougal : I didn't see that one.
Father Ted : Not many people have, Dougal. It's probably a bad reference.

Bishops love sci-fi.

That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's very vague and no-one knows what it's really all about.

That money was just resting in my account!

Well, Ted, as I said last time, it won't happen again.

Fr Hernandez: The Reverend Green... with the knife... in the drawing room.
Fr Ted: Those Protestants. Up to no good as usual.