Black Books Quotes

Oh, I see. Roweena! Roweeeeeeeeeena! And what am I supposed to do while you're doing the underpants charleston with this insane, blind tart?!

Hah. You're toast. T.O.E.A.R.S.T. Toearst.

Hey, you know when you’re uh, doing the usual sort of threesome thing you do on the weekend, an uh, the moonlight’s bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing?

Moo-Pa: Shop's still called Black Books, I see?
Bernard: Yeah. I was gonna call it World Of Tights, but you know how stupid people are; you have to spell everything out!

Fran: You know, in Tibet, if they want something, do you know what they do? They give something away.
Bernard: They do, do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.

Manny: I won't do it.
Bernard: That is a pity. Well, I hope you enjoy your weekend repricing every single individual book in the shop, because they've all just gone up by a penny.

Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon...
Bernard: Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman.

Manny: You think I should wash my beard?
Bernard: Yes, I think you should wash it. Then you should shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow.

Bernard: No one is willing to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste.
Manny: Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?
Bernard: Some sort of delicious biscuit.
Manny: It's a coaster.
Bernard: Is it? Are there any more?

Add a drop of lavender to your milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

Whores will have their trinkets.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.