Woody Allen Quotes

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

Well, if I don't get at least 16 hours, I'm a basket case.

Ninety percent of life is just showing up.

But I don’t get it - why don’t they just walk out of the room?

Look, you’re sur-realists - but I’m a normal guy.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. I speak, by the way, not with any sense of futility, but with a panicky conviction."

I wouldn’t mind dying so much if it wasn’t that I would be dead at the end of it.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

The heart wants what the heart wants

There's an old joke - two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

My parents? Alright. So-so. I don't kill them. They're not my biggest fans. They can take me in small doses.

Cliff: I don't know. Maybe I could use the money to finish my movie. I do have some debts and things.
Lester: Idea for farce. A poor loser agrees to do the story of a great man's life and in the process comes to learn deep values.

Alvy Singer: There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

Isaac Davis: The steel cube was brilliant?
Mary Wilke: Yes. To me it was very textual, you know what I mean? It was perfectly integrated, and it had a marvelous kind of negative capability. The rest of the stuff downstairs was bullshit.

Isaac Davis: C'mon, you don't - c'mon. You don't, you don't have to - go.
Tracy: Why couldn't you have brought this up last week? Six months isn't so long. Not everybody gets corrupted. You have to have a little faith in people.

Party Guest: I finally had an orgasm, and my doctor said it was the wrong kind.
Isaac Davis: You had the wrong kind? I've never had the wrong kind, ever. My worst one was right on the money.

Yale: You are so self-righteous, you know. I mean we're just people. We're just human beings, you know? You think you're God.
Isaac Davis: I... I gotta model myself after someone.

Isaac Davis: Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. Oh, I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be.

Mickey: ...ya know, don't you wanna be part of the experience? You know, what the hell it's not all a drag... jeez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. And after who knows, I mean maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have.