Tina Fey Quotes

I'm not going to get emotional tonight because I am a stone cold bitch.

There are a couple of things I want to impart to ladies who want to be in comedy: One, you don't have to be weird or be quirky to get your job done. And two, comedy skill is not sexually transmittable. You do not have to sleep with a comedian to learn what you're doing. Male comedians will not like that advice, but it is the truth.

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math.

I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement.

The difference between male comedy writers and female comedy writers is that the male ones are taller and weigh more. They also fake-rape each other more. Female comedy writers pretty much never fake-rape each other. The women comedy writers do not urinate in cups around the office.

Tina Fey: Maybe what bothers me the most is that people say that Hillary is a bitch.
Let me say something about that: Yeah, she is.
And so am I and so is this one. (pointing to Amy Poehler)
Amy Poehler: Yeah, deal with it.
Tina Fey: Know what? Bitches get stuff done.

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

I know older men in comedy who can barely feed and clean themselves, and they still work. The women, though, they’re all ‘crazy.’ I have a suspicion — and hear me out, because this is a rough one — that the definition of ‘crazy’ in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to f*ck her anymore.

Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: “No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat.”

Researchers reported that they developed a "self-healing" plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The plastic will change the way airplanes are built and medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die.

I really love cursing a lot. But as I get older, I realize it's a little unseemly for women of a certain age. But then once you pass sixty-five, you can hit it full tilt again and it's charming. Once you're Lauren Bacall's age, you can be like, "What the f*ck."

Don't be too precious or attached to anything you write. Let things be malleable. For sketch writers, remember they're called sketches for a reason. They're not called oil paintings. Some of them are going to stink. You have to let them stink.

Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we’re like Oprah and Gale. Only we’re not denying anything.

I’m not a mean person, but I have a capacity for it. I have the biting comment formed somewhere in the back of my head — like it’s in captivity. Sometimes people expect that I’m going to be tough. It’s not a bad situation. People treat you better. People are on time.

How do you juggle it all?’ people constantly ask me, with an accusatory look in their eyes. ‘You’re screwing it all up, aren’t you?’ their eyes say. My standard answer is that I have the same struggle as any working parent but with the good fortune to be working at my dream job. Or sometimes I just hand them a juicy red apple I’ve poisoned in my working-mother witch cauldron and fly away.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children's medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.

I know older men in comedy who can barely feed and clean themselves, and they still work. The women, though, they’re all 'crazy.' I have a suspicion — and hear me out, because this is a rough one — that the definition of “crazy” in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to f*** her anymore.

At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.

[On what to expect from her Oscar dress] I only know that this dress will have to be 'fancier' than a Golden Globes dress, but I wouldn't hold your breath to see me in a four-foot ruffled train with an origami-inspired front. Whatever it is, it will be see-through, because that is my trademark.

Date Night isn't just for married people. It's for all people, regardless of race or creed. If you liked Avatar? Imagine Avatar but everything is 2-D, and everybody's not blue.