Tina Fey Quotes

I have never seen a picture of Sienna Miller where I didn't say, "That girl's pretty. Who is that?"

I’m not a mean person, but I have a capacity for it. I have the biting comment formed somewhere in the back of my head — like it’s in captivity. Sometimes people expect that I’m going to be tough. It’s not a bad situation. People treat you better. People are on time.

If you ever start to feel too good about yourself, they have this thing called the internet. And you can find A LOT of people who don’t like you. I’d like to address some of them now. Babsnlacross, you can suck it. Dianefan, you can suck it. Cougarletter, you can really suck it. ‘Cause all year, you’ve been after me. All year.

I want to say thank to the Hollywood Foreign Press. I’ve always loved the Hollywood Foreign Press. As a kid, I had all the Hollywood Foreign Press action figures. Thank you, Will Arnett, for that joke.

Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we’re like Oprah and Gale. Only we’re not denying anything.

Tina Fey: Maybe what bothers me the most is that people say that Hillary is a bitch.
Let me say something about that: Yeah, she is.
And so am I and so is this one. (pointing to Amy Poehler)
Amy Poehler: Yeah, deal with it.
Tina Fey: Know what? Bitches get stuff done.

I regularly ate health food cookies so disgusting that when I enthusiastically gave one to Rachel Dratch, she drew a picture of a rabbit and broke the cookie into a trail of tiny pieces coming out of the rabbit’s butt.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

I know older men in comedy who can barely feed and clean themselves, and they still work. The women, though, they’re all ‘crazy.’ I have a suspicion — and hear me out, because this is a rough one — that the definition of ‘crazy’ in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to f*ck her anymore.

How do you juggle it all?’ people constantly ask me, with an accusatory look in their eyes. ‘You’re screwing it all up, aren’t you?’ their eyes say. My standard answer is that I have the same struggle as any working parent but with the good fortune to be working at my dream job. Or sometimes I just hand them a juicy red apple I’ve poisoned in my working-mother witch cauldron and fly away.

I'm not going to get emotional tonight because I am a stone cold bitch.

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: “No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat.”

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children's medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.

But I know that over the last five years, our writers have asked Jack Donaghy to do everything from imitate every member of Tracy Jordan’s family, to play his own Mexican doppelgänger, to, you know, act out a heartfelt good-bye scene with a live peacock trying to sodomize a Dick Cheney look-alike. And he has done each of those things with a grace and precision that is prophetic.

The part of Jack Donaghy was written for Alec Baldwin. Unfortunately, I didn't have the courage to introduce myself to him and tell him that at the time, so for several months I met with some of the best actors in New York...it just became clearer and clearer that this part was for no-one except Alec Baldwin. And so I knew what I had to do: I got pregnant and I stalled for a year.

I know older men in comedy who can barely feed and clean themselves, and they still work. The women, though, they’re all 'crazy.' I have a suspicion — and hear me out, because this is a rough one — that the definition of “crazy” in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to f*** her anymore.

[On what to expect from her Oscar dress] I only know that this dress will have to be 'fancier' than a Golden Globes dress, but I wouldn't hold your breath to see me in a four-foot ruffled train with an origami-inspired front. Whatever it is, it will be see-through, because that is my trademark.

I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement.

At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.