Ricky Gervais Quotes

Americans are brought up to believe they can be the president of the United States. British kids are told, 'Don't be stupid. It won't happen for you.'

In the UK alone, more people die every year from prostate cancer than being savaged by a polar bear.

He was a jobbing actor, career not going that well if I’m being perfectly honest, who got his big break when I cast him in a show called The Office. He is now leaving that show, and killing a cash cow for both of us. Please welcome the wonderful Tina Fey, and the ungrateful Steve Carell!

I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third.

When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer’s always the same, to me, they’re not mutually exclusive.

If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, I probably wouldn’t say Einstein, Newton... I’d go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. Sessions.

I helped him off the toilet and popped his teeth in.

Talking of the walking dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who is getting married at age 84 to 24-year-old beauty Crystal Harris. When asked why she was marrying him, she said, "He lied about his age. I thought he was 94." Calm down. Just don't look at it when you touch it.

It seems like everything this year was 3-dimensional… except the characters in The Tourist. I feel bad about that joke, and I'll tell you why - I'm jumping on the bandwagon, because I haven't even seen The Tourist. Who has?

There were a lot of big films that didn't get nominated this year. Nothing for Sex and the City 2. No, I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster. Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza.

Please welcome Ashton Kutcher's dad, Bruce Willis!

It's going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it – breakfast.

You’re a much bigger star than me. You present a show that gets 30 million viewers. I’m on a cable channel.

A joke isn't yours. It's used and you don't know where it's been.

In a world of idiots, the smart guy is the loser.