Monty Python Quotes

Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.

Your wife interested in… photographs ? Eh? Know what I mean— photographs ? He asked him knowingly…nudge nudge, snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, say no more.

I'm Brian and so's my wife!

Head Waiter: This is a vegetarian restaurant — we serve no meat of any kind. We're not only proud of that, we're smug about it.

It's not pining, it's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies! It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot!

Mr. Figgis: Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties ... I'm sorry ... Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats, why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-c rasscrenbon-fried-digger-dangl e-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-k nacker-thrasher-apple-banger-h orowitz-ticolensic-grander-kno tty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grum blemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstli ch-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-guten abend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bra twurstle-gerspurten-mit-zwei-m acheluber-hundsfut-gumberaber- shoenendanker-kalbsfleisch-mit tler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?

Policeman: I must warn you, sir, that outside I have police dog Josephine, who is not only armed and trained to sniff out certain substances but is also a junkie.

Teacher: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the raspberry-laden foe but also the raspberries.

"Morning, Mrs Premis"
"Morning, Mrs Conclusion"
"How you feeling?"
"Tired"
"Tired?"
"Yeah...took me 4 hours to bury the cat"
"4 hours to bury the cat?"
"Yeah...wouldn't keep still"

Large Man with Dead Body: Who's that then?
The Dead Collector: I dunno, must be a king.
Large Man with Dead Body: Why?
The Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.

He's not the messiah. He's a very naughty boy!

Bridgekeeper: What... is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean - an African or European swallow?
Bridgkeeper: I don't know that! Ahhhh....

Hospital Administrator: And what are you doing this morning?
Obstetrician: It's a birth.
Hospital Administrator: Ah. And what sort of thing is that?
Dr. Spenser: Well, that's where we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.
Hospital Administrator: Wonderful what we can do nowadays.

Maître-D': Today we ’ave... moules marinières, pâté de foie gras, Beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireau — leek tart — frogs’ legs amandine, or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd — little quails’ eggs on a bed of puréed mushroom; it’s very delicate, very subtle.
Mr Creosote: I’ll have the lot.
Maître-D': A wise choice, monsieur! And now, ’ow would you like it served? All, uh, mixed up togezher in a bucket?

Ah, I see you have the machine that goes "PING!" This is my favorite. You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to; that way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account. [The doctors and onlookers applaud.] Thank you, thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.

You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.

Villager: We have found a witch, may we burn her?
Crowd: Burn her!
Sir Bedevere: But how do you know she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: ... I got better.

Pontius Pilate: Stwike him, Centuwion. Stwike him vewy wuffly!

Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg: But you can't have babies.
Stan: Don't you oppress me!
Reg: I'm not oppressing you, Stan - you haven't got a womb, where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?

And now! At Last! Another film completely different from some of the other films which aren't quite the same as this one is.