Mitch Hedberg Quotes

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: "I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green." Woah, hold on now! Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.

On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means "hold on", yellow means "go ahead", and red means "where the f*ck did you get that banana at?"

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him. He said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older.", "You son of a bitch! How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera!"

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f*ck’s really goin' on down there? Who is the real hero?

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I think Bigfoot is blurry; that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here."

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."

I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls, but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "F*ck it, cut em up!"

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I opened-up a yoghurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yoghurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f*ck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"