Leslie Nielsen Quotes

The violence or the vaudeville style of comedy is a technique all by itself. You get up there, and you are a comedian, and you’re doing one thing. That is, you’re going to make the audience laugh.

Where did you graduate from? Saddam Hussein school of physiotherapy?

Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Frank Drebin: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

[Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force]
Frank: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent!
Ed: He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.
Frank: Well, uh...
[Frank Drebin quickly shoves the evidence back into the file cabinet]

Frank: Nice beaver!
Jane: [producing a stuffed beaver] Thank you. I just had it stuffed.

Frank: Interesting... almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.
Jane: I was young! I needed the work!

Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.

Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.

Jane: I've heard police work is dangerous.
Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.
Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
Frank: I used to have that problem.
Jane: What did you do about it?
Frank: I just think about baseball.

It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.

Frank Drebin: Cigarette?
(Whoever he's talking to): Yes, I know.

Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land? 
Captain Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor. 
Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure. 
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess? 
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours. 
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?

I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to be thrown down; two, come on out!

Frank: I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!
--Music Stops. People stare.--
Frank: I mean at the time I was dating a lot.

Frank: That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.
Ed: Sex, Frank?
Frank: Uh, no, not right now, Ed.

Rumack: I won't deceive you, Mr. Striker. We're running out of time.
Ted Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
Rumack: I'm doing everything I can... and stop calling me Shirley!

Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

Muammar al-Qaddafi: Hey, who are you?
Frank: I'm Lt. Frank Drebin! Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America.