Joan Rivers Quotes

Flying to Florida. When the TSA asks, “Did you pack your own bags?” I laugh and say, “Yes, while my housekeeper watched ‘All my Children’.”

Television has become predictable, vulgar and nasty.

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

If I look out at the front row and there are 4 gay guys there, I know it's going to be a good night.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

My career is an actress' career, acting the part of a comedian.

Comedy comes from anger.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, "The man goes on top and the woman underneath." For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.