Jay Cartwright Quotes

Jay: You've gotta be f*cking joking, there's no way i'm gonna get bummed by some royal bloke on a mountain.

Ice-cream Lady: What can I get you?
Jay: Cornetto please
Lady: One cornetto, is that all?
Jay: Do you wanna lick it?
Lady: Sorry?
Jay: My Cornetto, do you wanna lick it?
Lady: Oh that is kind, I've had enough Ice Cream today though sweetheart
Jay: Oh right, bit late am I?
Lady: ...Do you want something?
Jay: Are you the woman who sucks school boys off?
Lady: Sorry?
Jay: Can you suck me off?

Neil: He rubbed my legs
Jay: That's what you get for leading on Peados you slut!

Jay: Where've you been? Wankin' over your mum's bras?
Will: Well seeing as she's my mum, probably not
Jay: Well can I have them then?

Simon: You wet the bed when you were 10
Jay: Yeah I wet your mums bed...with my spunk

A cow, it charged me, so I had to knock it out. One punch.

They're only daffodils, f*cking little show-offs. Look at me, I'm out first, I'm all yellow.

It's a guaranteed hard-on killer - that's why they call it safe sex, 'cause you can't get it up

Bloke I knew didn't have a plan on his first time, went in too quick, broke his nob in half.

Neil thinks an STD is a qualification.

NO, no-one is shitting in a trench!

Look, you lot can stay here and finger Neil's arse if you wanna, but I'm off to find the clunge.