Groucho Marx Quotes

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men—the other 999 follow women.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself; I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.

You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself; I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them... well, I have others.

My favourite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days hath September" because it actually tells you something.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I didn't like the play. But I saw it under unfavourable circumstances -- the curtains were up.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

You know you've got the brain of a four-year old child, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

[He] may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.