GLaDOS Quotes

These bridges are made from light filtered from the surface. If you press your cheek against one it feels just like the sun shining on your face. It will also set your hair on fire... so don't actually do it.

GLaDOS: I feel awful about that suprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now! [Phone rings]
Voice of "Operator": The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
GLaDOS: Oh that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.

You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me, or put me in a potato, or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then YOU showed up, you dangerous, mute, lunatic.

Look how majestically you soar through the air. Like an eagle. Piloting a blimp.

Oh. Hi. So. How are you holding up? Because I'm a potato!

Cave Johnson: Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons!
GLaDOS: Oh I like this guy.
Cave Johnson: I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustable lemon that burns your house down!
GLaDOS: Burn his house down! Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!

I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time. Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.

Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds.

Well done. Here are the test results: "you are a horrible person". I'm serious, that's what it says: "a horrible person". We weren't even testing for that. Don't let that "horrible person" thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.

Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In layman's terms, speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out.

Didn’t we have some fun though? Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said ‘Goodbye’ and you were like ‘NO WAY!’ and then I was all ‘We pretended we were going to murder you’? That was great.

Your entire life has been a mathematical error. A mathematical error I'm about to correct.

That thing you burned up isn't important to me. It's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It made shoes for orphans. Nice job breaking it, hero.

The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Companion Cube cannot speak. In the event that the Companion Cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice.

The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak.

Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture Science self esteem fund for girls? It's true!

Remember, the Aperture Science 'Bring Your Daughter to Work Day' is the perfect time to have her tested.

Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an 'unsatisfactory' mark on your official testing record, followed by death. Good luck.

Speaking of curiosity, you're curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what? I know! You're going to find out first-hand before I can finish telling you, though, so I won't bother. I'll give you a hint: you're going to want to pack as much living as you possibly can into the next couple of minutes.