Father Ted Quotes

" Oh he's worse than Hitler! You wouldn't find Hitler playing Jungle music at 3 in the morning"

Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'

These are small, the ones over there are far away

Ted: Would you look at that. Its as smooth as a baby's bottom.
Dougal: You'd know all about that Ted.
Ted: WHAT?
Dougal: The christenings and all that.

My lovely horse running through the FIELD, where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the WIND; Running around with a man on your back, like a train in the night, like a train in the night.....

Ach no; not toilet duck again, now father you know what that does to you; you'll be seeing the pink elephants again......................... ...........He must be getting immune to it by now

No Dougal, its much more important than that; I'm not going to be beating by Father Dick Burn in a giving things up competition

That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's very vague and no-one knows what it's really all about.

That money was just resting in my account!

Fr Hernandez: The Reverend Green... with the knife... in the drawing room.
Fr Ted: Those Protestants. Up to no good as usual.

Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.

I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.

That's the great thing about Catholicism. It's so vague and no one really knows what it's about.

Sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, instinctively travel north, where it's colder, and they won't be so stuffy.

Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore - they've got the direct line.