Dave Barry Quotes

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'

The Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this by driving around...until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star...until it led them to a parking space.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'

If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be meetings.