Damon Beesley and Iain Morris Quotes

Simon: It's YOUR spunk!
Neil: But it's YOUR car!
Simon: What... so if I spunked in your face it would be yours?

Simon: Hang on, have you had the left ear pierced?
Jay: Yes
Simon: Aint that the one you get pierced to show you're gay?
Jay: F*CK OFF
Neil: Oh yeah that is the gay one
Jay: Well there's a quick way to tell Neil, which ear's your dad got pierced?
Neil: Neither cos he's not bent!
Simon: Course not

Jay: You know what golf stands for?
Simon: No, what?
Jay: Gay... Outdoor... Lifestyle... with Fellas.

Will: I've got balls, more than you.
Neil: More than two?

Neil: I love it, I think I'll go uni now.
Will: I wouldn't bank on it Neil.

Sophie: I'm not mad keen on the idea of you having sex at all, but at least I know you're doing it somewhere comfortable.
Simon: Oh absolutely, only in her vagina.

Jay: Oooh everyone look at me, I've got a girlfriend and I love going round her house and listening to her shit music and laughing at her shit jokes and pretending that she's fit when she isn't even that fit.
Simon: Who isn't that fit?
Jay: Your mum.

Jay: I should sue, those tyres had no grip.
Will: They don't tend to grip so well when they're up in the air.

Jay: I've had a toke with Mark untold times, I sort him out with Rizla and ting.
Will: Oh, so you're a newsagent now as well as a liar?

Gilbert: There is nothing funny about testicles Cooper, as you'll discover tomorrow in my office.
Will: Sorry sir, that sounded a bit weird.

Jay: They'll be sorry, I'll show them.
Will: Columbine massacre show them or futile gesture show them?
Jay: Whatever's worse.

Jay: You may want to bring your wellies with you.
Neil: Why?
Jay: 'Cause you'll be knee deep in clunge!

Jay: When I say I'm gonna deliver, I f*cking deliver.
Will: Like a postman with Tourettes?

Will: [after Jay has let off the emergency flare] Why the f*ck did you do that?
Jay: To get the sea police out!
Will: And say what? "Help, we've caught a fish?"? We're already in the harbour, What are they gonna do - tow us four feet closer to the shore?

[Neil shows his penis to Jay]
Jay: Ah, Jesus! Put it away, Neil!
Neil: I can't. It stings when it rubs on my pants!
Jay: Well... take your pants off then!
Neil: I can't, then it'll rub on my jeans.
Jay: Neil, no matter what your old man says, you can't walk around London with your knob hanging out.

Simon: Who brings a bag of shit into a pub?
Jay: Your dad does.
Simon: Does he?
Jay: Yeah, your mum!

Jay: Morning, benders! Jump in the minge mobile.
Will: Strange thing to call your mum's car.

Charlotte: Seriously, all I want is a boyfriend like you. You're funny and you're sweet and you're kind. I would be happy if I had someone in my life just like you.
Will: What about me?
Charlotte: No, not you. Someone LIKE you. You're so funny. Not you, obviously ..

Jay: Have you had a w*nk over Will's mum?
Will: Please don't have a w*nk over my mum!
Neil: I can't promise that, Will.

Jay: (to Neil) I suppose your dad needs the money.
Neil: No, he doesn't, actually.
Simon: Rent boys don't come cheap.
Neil: My dad's not gay.
Jay: Then why is he paying for rent boys?
Neil: He's not.
Simon: What, they're freebies?