Billy Connolly Quotes

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. The I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

"Oh, the big fire engine goes ding-a-ling-a-ling." No, it f*cking doesn't. It used to.

Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are f*cked.

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

Toblerones! It's impossible to eat a f*cking Toblerone without hurting yourself!

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.

There are two seasons in Scotland: winter and July.

If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.